I related with my horse yesterday on a level I hadn’t before. In the sense that I felt like we where – and are – going through similar things. Maggie is uncertain of what’s going on, I go out every morning and ask her to run in circles, move her hips, stop, back up etc. These things make little sense to a horse at the beginning of training.
I feel like her right now, because I also feel unsure. I am just getting back into training, and working with horses again, and although all the knowledge is still there, the practical is lacking. So I don’t feel as comfortable as I once did, I feel a bit out of pace and like my muscles just don’t remember what to do.
I didn’t think it had been that long since I had stopped really training my horses, I had been maintaining them, but not really training. When I went into my training logs for Mac, I saw my last entry was in 2011! I couldn’t believe it, I was astonished and also a bit ashamed. How could I have fallen of the wagon and let it slip so far out of my reach that it took me this long to get back? How could I loose sight of my dream and not even really realize it until now?
Yesterday was hard. I felt down and unmotivated. I still feel a shadow of that now, but I also have a bit more drive to succeed. It’s a strange mix of emotions, on one hand I feel discouraged, and on the other I feel a burning desire to achieve my goals.
I don’t want to lose sight of them again, I know now why I’ve felt so unlike myself in the last few years, because I wasn’t myself. Horses in general and training especially are so integral in my life now, that their absence leaves a rift. It’s like I’m floating out in dark waters, and all of a sudden the lighthouse winks out, and I no longer have any sense of direction.
I have to re-teach myself how to do the things I’ve done before, the information is there I just need to push past this stage of uncomfortableness in my life. Because life comes in so many stages, just because you feel a certain way today, doesn’t mean that’s what life will be for the next 30 years. It’s just one of many stages to work through.